The Visible Poems

Return

2011-11-04T14:59:00.001+13:00

His return has become
the dream
and desire
of My heart.
This world is dead to me.
Come back to me,
my King,
the Beloved of my heart.
The One who is Life,
return.

So fill me, bliss

2011-10-29T23:05:00.000+13:00

I am only a vessel
You are the water.
I am only a well
You are the living water.
I am only a wineskin
You are the wine.
I am the parched land
You are the rain.
I am a wilderness
You are the garden.

So fill me with the Holy Spirit
Drench me in this presence
Baptize me with the wine that satisfies

Make my heart a well
A deep well brimming with life
An ocean of vast depths

Let me drown
in these heavy seas
Capsized, so overturned
in the sweet bliss of all you are.

You must become to me

2011-10-27T10:26:00.000+13:00

If I’m to do this life,
You MUST become
to me
as my very husband,
my very source of
complete,
consummate
fulfillment.

Lump in my Throat

2011-10-14T16:14:00.000+13:00

Hey you,
Lump in my throat
You seem to tell me where I’m really at,
And you don’t lie, no you don’t lie.
And that’s the solemn truth.

Hey you,
Lump in my throat
Telling truths of wishful thinking
Hopes held on like lifelines,
A last resort, of sorts, of course.

Hey you,
Lump in my throat
A faithful friend who shows up
Each time I reach the threshold,
This doorway, this path.

Hey you,
Lump in my throat
Loyal lump that will not dislodge itself
No matter how old this gets, how old I get.
Never gets old, never goes away,
This lump in my throat,
that's you.

fists dissolve

2011-09-01T16:29:00.000+12:00

the tight clench
that shaking fist
in the face of heaven
my fingers accusing, "where is my portion?"

but something's come to me
something a little like hope
and the question silences itself
as it catches the drift

and i'm letting go of the grip of
dissipating arguments
as fists dissolve
in the Face of hope itself.

The Winter Garden

2011-08-25T19:26:00.000+12:00

There is a garden that grows
Best in winter
Under the shadow
Of a barren veil.

There is a garden that does not save its
Best for spring
But chooses the cold night
For its great appearance.

This is the winter garden
An unexpected sweetness
In the midst of the shiver.

Fading Glory II

2011-07-30T16:58:00.004+12:00

I do not have diamonds
So I'll give what I have to you
My glory is fading out here
But I'll give the glory that I do have
The treasures I hold within have
a shadow I can't shake off
But I'll let you take your share
As much as you want to hold.

It's all I have to give
so have it all
Have all of me.

Fading Glory I

2011-07-30T16:57:00.001+12:00

Fading outer glory
belies the brightness of the inside world
the beautified spirit
of an unseen world
left undiscovered by most
hidden stones
left unturned
skipping stones skipped over
for fear that what is underneath mirrors what is in plain view

Hidden husband of my heart

2011-07-22T13:12:00.000+12:00

I give you freedom to take care of me
I will step back so you can have room to love me
And show your love to me
Again and again.

I’ll not be the head, so you can be
I’ll not run the show, so you’ll have an arena
To show off your love for me.

This is my solemn promise
This is my vow,
Hidden husband of my heart.

You can steer the boat
And rock it, however you wish
I’ll let you have your place
The centre, the very core.

And if you remain hidden until death do us join
Then to this end I say,
I do.

Grasping to Possess (slipping through my fingers)

2011-06-07T16:04:00.000+12:00

I have grasped to possess
in my desire to hold
and it just keeps
slipping through my fingers
slipping through my fingers.

The tighter the hold
the faster the escape
the fiercer the punch to the gut
at the realization of my
frantic attempt to partake
in the dead end communion.

Grasping to possess
for a trinity of decades
an entire existence set upon
the barren land, a hollow land
empty of a sustained embrace
that bears the fruit of peace,
and the approval of the outstretched hand
that gives for good, that gives forever

I am a real person

2011-04-22T17:40:00.000+12:00

I am a real person

I am more than just

my doctrinal opinion

I am more than just

my theological stance.

I am a girl standing

Here right now, in fact

With things in my heart

That I love

And things in my heart

That I hate

I've got quips and I've got quirks

And a bucket full of witty retorts

That blurt themselves out of my mouth

Often before I've even thought of them

My mind is always ready

For the heat of deep debate, the mental ascent

My heart is always ready

For the soft, the tender, the lovely

My soul is always ready

For the sillies, the creative stupidity, the absurd foolishness

And who knows how and when and where

The juxtaposition of this trinity shall find its expression

I'm just a girl

who likes to do laundry

for the fun of fragrance

I like when things smell nice

and I hate when things smell bad

I love my coffee strong and alert

And a weak cup

is a work of the devil, indeed.

I'm just a girl

Who goes from preaching the frontier

To cooking and cleaning

for the sheer pleasure of living normally.

I want to change the world

I want to ascend the heavens

And I want to kick up my feet

With not a care in the world

Just to waste my time,

Yup, just to waste the time.

I am a real person

I am more open than some can handle

And more hidden than some care to discover.

And I am standing here

With heart in hand

And my hand all too curious to fidget and fiddle with

Anything in front of me.

These are just some things

That make me

A real person.

A cost

2011-04-18T19:39:00.001+12:00

There has been a cost
a price, at the start,
and a price that still remains.

The stakes have risen
and I'm still here.

I see the worth
I see the value,
even with paid dues
and passing desires
passing away
finding no root within.

The seed that extends beyond me
has a stream of water
flowing through it
in the dark, in the deep
underground.

And still I see it has been worth it,
for what will come -
after.

Hope is a whisper

2011-03-29T12:50:00.001+13:00

Hope is a whisper
A faint echo off the walls of my heart
I hear the sound, barely
But it's there.

It feebly stands to its feet, and
Quietly says,
"I'm here."

Hope, it is a whisper
A little breeze
To fan the flame,
To stoke the fire,
And begin
The burn.

Treasures in the darkness

2011-03-28T21:39:00.005+13:00

Take me inside the letter
Press me into the lines
Find me abiding within the text
Inside the meaning
Chewing, on it
Digging myself deeper
Falling into this pit, the riches of the shadows
Where morsels find themselves on my tongue
Nudged in the nook, in the cranny of my heart
This valley of spoken words
Rolled out upon my lap
And tapping upon my mind,
As I contemplate
Per chance to behold
That which I am holding
Here in my hands
The very thing before my eyes.

The silliest dumb poem on the planet

2011-03-02T22:43:00.000+13:00

I am dumb
And God is not
I am poo poo
And He is pure.
I am especially distracted
But He is especially preoccupied
With me, of all people.
He seems to like me heaps
I can't get Him to leave me alone.
He keeps getting up in my space
And pressing into my life
Like He can't get enough
Of me, the poohead of all pooheads
The dumb of all dumbs.
And I think I kinda like it.
God and me.
The most unequally yoked relationship
In all of history.
And if you are still reading this
Congratulations for participating
In the silliest dumb poem
the planet has ever seen.

The End.

Fickle love

2010-12-15T14:47:00.000+13:00

You are so curled up in your fetal heart
That you cannot even see the fetal one of your own making
I am over here. I know you know it.
But you'd rather close your eyes and pretend
I'm not even over here.

Your love is fickle
Your love is fickle
Your love is fickle

But I'll take it.
And I'll hold it.
And I'll have what I can get.

I will turn the cheek, my heart
And offer it over
And over
And over again
To a beating heart
That beats upon my own

And I will take the erratic beating
And I will embrace the erratic beating
And I will believe the erratic beating
Is an offering of your love
Your fickle, fickle love

For I am certain
That even in silence
I am not forgotten.
Though you beat
And you beat
And you beat me down
With a thousand silent days
Upon a thousand unwrit lines

And I am certain
That I'd still choose the embrace
Of your hurting heart
Even if you never break silence
Even if the blank page gives way to venom
Even if you stand back, unstepping
As I am right in front of you
And walk right up to you and say,
"Hello Dad."

This place, and not another

2010-12-14T14:41:00.000+13:00

I have visited
And re-visited
This place, and not another
It has been my home,
This place, and not another

I have heard the call outside
But I have chosen to stay in here
And yet what has this place given me
But a handful of waste
And nothing I can get my hands on
And say, "Here is something."

Nah, this place has been a tent
Propped up in a desert
Where there is no water
And nothing at all
To quench my thirst -
Not even a drop.

Dancing with Illusions

2010-12-09T13:59:00.002+13:00

I wrote this poem this morning in the prayer room, as I reflected on various aspects of my life. Of course, I've veiled its meaning, and that's just fine, cos this is my blog and my poem. I haven't really even taken time to edit it. I am just going to post it, as is, in its raw, unedited state. ~A.

I’ve been dancing with illusions all of my days
I’ve befriended ghosts most of my life
Been wrapping my arms around a fanciful thought
That whisks away the moment I open my eyes.

This has been my comfort
And this has been my way.

But what shall I do now that you are here
And all you say is that it’s all for nought
And I’ve wasted my time on nothing
Giving endearments to these figments

I’ve said that emptiness has filled me up
And that it has served me well
But it has not served me at all!

How can you point ahead to a blank horizon
And say that there is potential ahead
Seems I’d rather grip to a grand delusion
As I doop myself in full daylight.

I have preferred the substance of shadows
Than the unseen possibilities just around the corner
Just out of my reach
Every single time

For where can I find my comfort?
Oh where will I find my way?

It seems that neither will bring a win
It’s all outside my grasp
Nothing I'm wrapped around
Wraps itself around me.

So the cycle continues
Day after day after day
Will I choose my empty or yours?
Your empty or mine?

Maybe just maybe your empty is my comfort
Your empty is my way.
Maybe…

Are You Sure, God?

2010-11-22T13:22:00.001+13:00

As I begin this journey of diving deep into the depths of Isaiah's prophecy, I am gripped. That's the best way of describing what's going in my heart. My heart is gripped by the depth of humanity's fallenness and the depth of God's willingness to restore us. Below is the expression of my own reaching heart as I discover the depths of my own depravity mirrored in the reality of Israel's failures in chapters 1 and 2 of Isaiah:

Are You Sure, God?

Are you okay with me as i flounder?
Within the ocean of questions and the swirling seas of my confusion are you okay with me?
Are you standing with me as i fall down again and again?
Are you walking with me as i stumble,
seeming to trip more than i step?
Are you the one that picks me up time and time again,
or is it just me struggling to stand on my own?
Am i just dusting myself off? Why dust my clothes when my heart is full of filth?

Are you the one behind my forward gaze,
or is it my own imagined target that stands in front of me?
Is this even going anywhere? Am I even going anywhere?

Are you stronger than the raging fire within me?
Are you more powerful than the doubts that captivate my inner world?
Am i constructed and built upon a rock,
or am i utterly and completely composed of sinking sand, no foundation, no rising hope?

Where are you in all of my humanity - God?

Surely you are initiating all of this.
Surely you knew i would fail.
Surely you knew i was empty even when i boasted fullness.
Surely you knew i could not lift myself up on my own.
Surely you must be willing to associate with me, nay, even desire and love me in the midst of my unfaithfulness and waywardness of heart.
Surely you have turned to face me, square on.
Surely you have taken up the challenge, unflinching as you take me on,
and surely you cannot fail!

Surely your love is more consuming than my hate,
your covenant of faithfulness more loyal than my infidelity,
your strength stronger than my weakness,
your truth truer than my confusion,
your stance more upright than my crumbling fall,
your gaze more constant than my winking affair,
your settled existence more solid than my restless wandering.

Surely, God, surely this must be so,
or else i could not breathe again.
I would exhale and let it all out in one long despairing sigh,
never to inhale the possibility of hope again.

Surely, God, surely this must be so,
that your goodness trumps my badness,
and makes me a lovely little heart
deep in the centre of the Heart of all Hearts!

Of this i must be sure,
that you are sure, God.

No longer my dream

2010-10-24T23:30:00.000+13:00

God,
You may have a dream
that is much different than I would have constructed
had I been given the pen,
but I realize, 'who am I?'
WHO AM I
to think that I could write a better dream than You?

You, who are God
You, who are the Potter
I, who am man
I, who am clay
I, the formed man of clay, acknowledge You
You, who sees the big picture,
the end from the start.

I am but a faint dot in the line of Your many-chaptered story
my dreamed-of plot is but a shadowed whisper,
a cloudy thought that winds dissipate
much, much too small for
Your love story
the one You're writing
the one that I'm a part of.

So God,
write whatever You want
and dream whatever You want to for my life.
Let me be Your dream
- fulfilled.

Let me not stand in the way of Your plan
Your perfectly laid-out plot
that crescendos with our union.

I give You the space in me
to live and move and have Your being
to live Your dream through me.
I cannot stand in Your way anymore
What has it profited me to do it my way,
and swat Your hand away from holding the pen?
What does it profit a man to gain the world yet lose his soul?
Nothing, simply, nothing.

So I gladly lose it all
to bring profit to Your dream
even in the place of having-no-control-whatsoever
I know that this is both good and perfect
and I would have it no other way
than Your way.

Diving in Deep

2010-10-01T15:24:00.000+13:00

I’m diving in deep
Not coming up for air
I didn’t even take a deep breath before I jumped in
Is that crazy?

I don’t care if I drown in this deep ocean of God
Even drowning in God is better
Than all the supposed fresh air I could get
From the surface above.

Who wants the surface
When you can search the deep depths of God’s heart?
The Heart of all Hearts,
The Ocean of all Oceans!

Oh the limitless possibilities
Of a heart connected to the Eternal Heart!
Too heavy is this reality
I'm suffocating under the bliss of it
And I have all the time in the world
Not to come up for air...
Not even one breath

Behold the Beauty of it all

2010-09-19T00:51:00.000+12:00

Behold,
the bloody cross
has become the tree of life!

Behold,
the darkest day on earth
ushers in the light of the world!

With each pounding blow
your bruised and bleeding heart
invites the procession of the fullness of joy!

Behold,
the scorned cross
bathed in shadows
brings forth the risen King
in all his glorious light!

The Lovely Low

2010-09-07T19:21:00.000+12:00

Jesus,
I'm with you in the lowest place
Life is beautiful down here.
So very lovely it is.

A few years ago
I would not have said the same thing.
I would have pined for the high place
With the million dollar view
And the glory of such a lofty location.

Oh Lord, I have found the place
Where Royalty resides
And these hidden wells below
Are gloriously deep.

Who knew I would find the King down here
I cannot fathom such a Man.

Jesus, I am coming!

2010-08-30T21:21:00.001+12:00

You've been tugging on my heart
And you've gone and dropped the anchor
And I can feel the tug, a strong torrential tug
And I'm falling deeper
Down into the depths
of the ocean of your heart
and I've been swept under
the weight of your love and
There's no room for breathing
No room for a sigh
'cos I'm falling
And the water echoes your call
as you beckon me again and again
And call me lower
calling me deeper...
and all I can say is, Yes!
Jesus, I am coming!

already qualified

2010-08-10T03:57:00.000+12:00

You keep trying to
disqualify yourself
as if your own berating
will do you in
and so you pound your chest
and declare the Mighty Woe
upon yourself
and here I am
with one of those knowing smiles
on My Face
as I look on My little girl
and lovingly shake My head
at your self-inflicted rejection
confident that if you would just turn your gaze
and look up at Me
you would see that I'm pleased and delighted
and you're more than qualified
and we are at peace with one another
because your heart is in My hand
and it's soft to the touch,
just the way I like it.

The Man o' War Thunders

2010-08-08T04:23:00.001+12:00

the enraptured heart of the Man o' War
thunders from the heavenliness
the gates break open as He charges forth
the flashing skies His backdrop
as He goes out to fight
the war to win my heart
and find me in my hidden cave
deep in the caverns of the enemy's territory
He is coming for me
and my captors will tremble
as He thunders
and i wait for Him

O sweet tension

2010-08-04T11:36:00.000+12:00

let the tension
go to full term
as a baby being born
out of a womb
at the timing of the One
who set time in motion

and let it tick
let the clock tick tock
as time passes by
and you're holding the
rubber band
outstretched, ready to burst
ready to break

desire pulling one way
reality pulling the other

let this tension
go the distance
for there's a great reward
when time reaches its fullness
and the One who holds it all
gives relief
and your joy is made complete.

silenced

2010-08-01T05:00:00.003+12:00

Lesser
and fewer
words
as the volume finds humility
and the dull roar of many words
are silenced in the face
of your holiness
and my tongue sticks to the top
of the roof of my mouth.

and so it is,
that i'm finally learning to listen
and the Mute find hers roar
and the lion comes forth
from the lamb
and the giving of one word
finds treasure with unending value
as the oil oozes out
and coats the heart
of the hearer
so, true comfort
finally comes
at last.

immortal fire

2010-07-20T05:29:00.003+12:00

inadequate and dry...
the fire is somewhere
it's just hiding
enlighten me once again, Lord
for without your face
i am but darkness.

God, your face
it has wrecked me
i can do no other thing
but look at you

oh immortal fire
of ceaseless light
your heart beats like a drum
inside my hand
and i'm caught in the
rhythm...

vacant chamber

2010-07-20T05:28:00.002+12:00

fill me with the pure words of God
saturate my vacant chamber of a heart
with the fire of your passion

awaken in me, your soul,
your burning soul of love
and consume me
for i am empty
and i cannot go on unfulfilled

holding hope

2010-07-20T05:27:00.000+12:00

the torture of holding hope
when pure extinction is at my near grasp...
the death blow is never served
it breathes on
shallow breaths
and awakes from slumber
once again
and i am left in the arms of a dream
so close
and yet so very far away...

Remember the dance

2010-07-13T16:01:00.000+12:00

Remember
that My grace is given
not for tomorrow
but for today

Grace has its rhythm
and it moves upon you
as you stay in the moment

Stay with Me today
Just sway with Me today
For the dance is not a distant hope
The steps are right before you

My arms are held wide open
My heart is yours to hold
So take this step
and lean into Me
as you remember the dance.

thunderLove

2010-06-29T07:15:00.004+12:00

overcast day it is
and so i stay inside
under the cover and protection
of this little safehaven
just plugging away
at all the things
on the list
check it off
one by one
slowly but surely
it is getting done

tap tap tap go the keys
the rhythm of my work
goes tap tap tap

suddenly
the rumble comes
and the thunder rumbles
from outside my open window
and my heart leaps within me
literally

i think i love thunder
i think i REALLY love thunder
i am suddenly content and happy
to continue the tap tap tap
of the computer work
knowing i am cozy inside my home
as i hear the thunder voice her
deep song to me.

i love thee, licorice

2010-05-19T15:50:00.000+12:00

licorice
you come in so many different
forms and tastes and
they delight my tongue
and i even like looking at you
in all your glorious black textures
and ridges and swirls and bumps and lumps
i love thee, licorice.
thanks for being born :)

letting go

2010-05-17T14:56:00.000+12:00

letting go of the temporal
making room for the eternal
the grief comes
and then it is replaced
by a deep sense of relief
which is slowly turning into
rich, rich
PEACE....

all because I am pressing delete
in so many, many ways.

limbic lag

2010-05-17T14:36:00.000+12:00

lining my life up
with the one thing
the one and only

it took me a while
i've got a thick skull
and sometimes it takes a million reminders
prods and pokes
and heavenly taps
from the heavenly father
but eventually it gets through

that lovely limbic lag
the delay of hearing
and then finally doing

so i'm lining my life up
with the one thing
the one and only

Illiterate and Dumb

2010-05-05T22:19:00.002+12:00

While 'lost in worship' this morning in the prayer room, I distinctly felt this feeling that I was imprisoned in this cage of my english language. How can I even begin to describe God within the confines of language? This poem is about that. Enough said.

We are imprisoned
to words.
Completely closed in,
Suffocating,
for lack of any ability to express
Ye, to exhale
the reality of who You are.

Help us breathe, oh Breath of Life!

How could any collection of any line or squiggle or curve
Begin to describe the very essence of the Eternal One
The inexpressible expanse of this Neverending Horizon
The One who breaks forth in radiant splendor
The Dawn and Crown of all Creation

Help us see, oh Glorious Vision!

Blind prisons we live in
Hands tied, tongues tied, minds boggled
Illiterate and dumb are we
There is no gesture, no word, no expression
Worthy of describing You…

The Wedding Feast of the Lamb

2010-05-05T16:21:00.002+12:00

My eyes have feasted;
My heart has gorged.
I have become gluttonous for Glory.
("And that's just the appetizer," says the Lord, with a wink)

The Seed of Desire

2010-04-18T16:06:00.003+12:00

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. (John 12:24-25)

"Praise to Love Himself, who scattered the seeds of every desire, knowing the sweet fruit to come...." (Brian Lam)

---

Little hopeful seed
Such promise contained in your shell
Such huge possibilities
Of luscious glory, yet to come.

Did you know that you were made to die?
Who would have thought
That in your desire for magnificent heights
You must descend the underground
And find the mighty current below
The soil of your burial.

Come further down, little seed
Into the darkness of crushing weight
The burden great, compounding
In stifling silence from above.

Oh little crying seed
The rushing waters drown you
As heaven’s tears
Join earth’s final cry.

And then comes the burning of light
What is left of you that the fire has not consumed?
You are but a shell of your former self
Oh little empty seed.

But let me tell you, precious little seed
Did you know that life comes from death?
And in this barrenness will come your glory
The sweet fruit that is to come.

--
Poet's Note:
I tried to add an extra --final?-- verse to this poem to seal the deal and bring elated joy at the declaration of the glorious plant that bursts through the trampled ground and reaches the heights and buds and blooms, but for some reason, I just couldn't.... I think it is because I can still only relate to the seed in the ground, and the resurrection of the seed into a budding plant has yet to happen in many ways. So, essentially, this poem is unfinished, and will have its final conclusion, I'm sure, in a poem one day....

though He slay me

2010-04-17T10:53:00.000+12:00

ambushed by Your hand
on all sides You target me
no time, no pause, no rest
for a caught breath. Just one?

Your gaze demands a full commit
not one iota less than every ounce
of every treasure, held and hidden
no halves, no portions, no shares. Almost all?

but the whole of You desires the whole of me
You want the whole damn thing
(the whole damn thing)
in all its feeble glory

and so the rumours mount
and as they do, I climb
and so the rumours sow
and as they do, I reap

catch the scent, the chants arise
have you heard of the one called dream killer,
that blasted thief of hope,
the Holy heart assassinator?

and so the news travels
and so my courage falters. Stalemate?
Your hand still waits, open for the offer
my fist still raised, poised for the hit

let me place my charge against You
let me rail against You
with eloquence and emotion, delivered
heaving, clenched heart. Pleading?

on the count, accusations
hurled at Your cheek
You turn aside
strike three, more hurled
You turn once more. Enough?

and then It hits me
and the echo doubles back
here comes the Grace attack
the Goodness knock out. Cornered?

the call comes forth
‘give it all, for Goodness sake’
It bids me come and offer all
no more, no less

hungers stir and fires light
bound by curious desire
of the heavenly slaughter
led with watered mouth to oiled Sword.

give it to me now
and give it all to me
holding nothing back. Flinch!

is this really me begging?
ascend my walls
clear the bounty
lay me bare, so You can lay with me

and so shall it say in the Book before me
and so shall it say in my heart. Resound!
'for though He slay me
yet will I praise Him’

and the trumpet blasts, the clock has struck
the time of the full throttle trust has come.
usher me in to the land of the Living
and I shall at last find my rest…
…in Thee.

I am peeking

2010-04-15T10:55:00.005+12:00

Based on my meditations of 1 Corinthians 13:12a, "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; Then we shall see face to face."

I am peeking
Through a little sliver
Of a little opening
In this little corner of my world

REVEAL.

I am seeking
Not the mirrored reflection
Dusty and dim
But the very Existence

REVEAL.

I am bleeding
With desire to see
But a glimpse
Of the radiant Opulence

REVEAL.

I am dying to live
In assured expectation
Of your great Countenance
In face to face communion

REVEALED!

O Rider of Clouds

2010-04-07T14:03:00.000+12:00

When will you come to me, O rider of clouds
You who mounts the great white steed
And opens the upper room to me

When will you come to me, O rider of clouds
You who thunders through the heavenlies
And finds the very doorstep of my heart

When will you come to me, O rider of clouds
You who makes war with injustice
And conquers the battle within me

When will you come to me, O rider of clouds
You whose eyes blaze with fire
And sets my heart to burn

When will you come to me, O rider of clouds
You who makes beautiful the bloody robe
And clothes me with white linen

When will you come to me, O rider of clouds
You whose name is Faithful and True
And marries me, forever and always

Service of Shadows

2010-04-02T18:06:00.002+13:00

You are dying tonight
The sun will go down
With your last breath
My heart is not sad, though
Because somehow I know that I go
With you
To the grave
Into the service of shadows
We go hand in hand
Nailed together, embraced
It approaches
The time is nigh
Last breath,
We die.

O Jesus

2010-04-02T18:01:00.003+13:00

O Jesus
My Lovely Saviour
O how I love Thee

Must I keep our secret to silence?
When all within me wants to shout it
from all roof tops
out every window I pass
You are mine and I am Yours!

Must this sweet melody that rings in my heart
Be kept locked inside?
I must declare
I must sing it out

O Jesus
My Lovely Saviour
O how I love thee
I love thee, I do

Befriending Grace

2010-03-31T13:22:00.000+13:00

Grace,
you have become my best friend
my daily companion
who strengthens me,
encourages me,
and brings a smile to my face.

Grace,
I shake my head
because I do not deserve to know you so closely,
your intimate association with all that is dear to me.

Grace,
you show up, as a gift,
on my doorstep
morning after morning,
exhorting me to step outside
and truly live,
partaking in the communion of Christ
wherever He leads me.

Grace,
you have held my hand
and walked beside me.
O what a dear friend you are.
May I always sup with you
enjoying the richest of fares
that come from time spent
in your presence.

Thank you...

dash me

2010-03-27T23:44:00.001+13:00

dash me against the rock
that is higher than I
let not my members dwell on the outside of your desire
nor let my mind pace in familiar directions...
for i hate falsehood on the inside
and refuse to be ruled by it

let your reality be my guide
and may it sift me on the inside
until i am empty of all but
my feet on the rock

fixation

2010-03-27T23:37:00.002+13:00

fixed face like flint
ferociously focused
on the Face.

ever always remaining

2010-03-26T16:17:00.006+13:00

no matter our season, no matter our status, our heart has a constant position before the Lord, and this will never change. ~A.

With chaste heart and mind
mine eyes are veiled
from Day's bright noise
of crowded hearts
calling forth connections.
My gaze averted
to a faint and feeble light,
a wistful glow
it grows, it grows.
In the distance, flickerings
a shadow of promise
whispering my name.
My heart awakens
and finds
a soft unveiling of glory,
yet ever always
remaining
a nun of the heart.

Wounded Healer (The Voice of Love)

2010-03-26T01:20:00.003+13:00

Music & lyrics by Alison Lam
Date: June 2006

I find this song quite redemptive, and hopeful. When I sing it, I experience deep peace in my spirit. Still, a few years later. It came out of a very painful season, of which I am grateful for the lessons I learned, as devastating as they were, and most of all, I am grateful for the comfort of Christ that I experienced in that valley, which I would not trade for the world... ~A.

 Don't keep looking back  
(And) don't keep racing forward  
His grace is sufficient for you today  
Today

 In your times of weakness  
He will be your strength  
In your brokenness, you will discover beauty
 Beauty
 
All the pain and sorrow  
Will be redeemed
Those who sow in tears  
Will one day reap with songs  
Of joy-y-y

 (For) This is the voice of love  
This is redemption's call  
This is the way of life
 For the wounded healer
 
Faith, when you cannot see  
Hope, when your heart is torn
 Peace, when you're in the chaos
 (And) Love-- Love-- Love--

(For) This is the voice of love  
This is redemption's call
 This is the way of life  
For the wounded healer...

Crumbs

2010-03-26T01:06:00.003+13:00

Music & Lyrics by: Alison Lam
Date: 7th December 2007

While rummaging through some of my songbooks these days, I came across some songs I've written in the past few years. Thought I would share a couple. This one was cathartic... Quite freeing to write of a past relationship a few years back. Now that I'm feasting at the banqueting table of the Lord (2010), I think back to this season a few years back (2006) when I was trying to get satisfied on the crumbs under the table, scattered on the ground... ~A.

We found each other longing
We both were starving, baby
Feeding each other our own cages

Two desperate people begging
Can't come together safely
There's bound to be disaster
On its way

Feasting on crumbs
(No it) cannot satisfy
Two vacant hearts

So I'll say to you...

Please find enclosed
My request for your silence
Yesterday's promises
Have burned to the ground
The ashes of you and I have blown away----

Let's call it a clean slate with scars...

rainy day

2010-03-24T16:21:00.001+13:00

ah, it rains outside my window
and it rains inside my heart
a sudden rumble of thunder
and i hear it
echo within me
finally, a smile to my face
today
and thoughts of home
that little pocket in my heart
that belongs to the north
and points me heavenward
as the rain picks up
and the cool breeze brings droplets
to my doorstep.

Dangerous Hope

2010-03-17T15:25:00.002+13:00

Hope is dangerous
It is a force to be reckoned with
A tangible reality to be revered
Hope enters the room
All lesser things bow their knee

Hope burns like red hot embers
Into every cold crevice in its sight
It cannot help but take over and dominate
Every area it sees

Hope cannot hide itself
It’s an unapologetic show-off
Evident on every face who has been overtaken
By its power

Hope ransacks the paupers home
Clears every room
Rearranges the whole thing
And eliminates the stench

Oh, Living Hope
Dominate every part of me
And ravage me
Utterly and completely.

Soft Hearted Sharp Sword

2010-03-17T15:24:00.000+13:00

Remove the hard edges of my inner world
of opinions and judgments,
of secret thoughts bound for the jab,
of words spoken
and those not voiced

Wrestle with the unbreakable parts within
Shatter me
with just one word
from Your oozing heart of love

Soften this heart of mine
So much softer than before
Like putty in Your hands
Formed and fashioned
After Yours
After Yours, alone.

Soak the centre of me
With the comfort of Your salts
Breaking down the shards of ice
That still remain within

Melt me into a puddle
At Your feet
So You can splash with me
And play, just because we want to.

Soften this heart of mine
So much softer than before
So Your sword in my mouth becomes sharper
So much sharper than before
So that the cut it inflicts is pure
So healing will surely come
From Your greater wound

Let Your soft heart and sharp sword be my own
My very own

For this is Your way -
A soft heart in Your hands
Wields a sharper sword

And wins the battle.

To know when

2010-03-17T15:21:00.000+13:00

To know when to remain quiet
And when to speak up
To know when to lay hands on
And when to stand back
To know when to go forward in hot pursuit
And when to simply be still and receive
To know when to walk through the door
And when to stop and go no further
To know when to press ‘send’
And when to ‘delete’
To know when to hold
And when to let go
To know when to start
And when to end.

Lord, give us wisdom.

Further still

2010-03-16T22:21:00.004+13:00

You beckon me with a glimpse,
With the slight breeze of your passing by
I am drawn inside.
You hold out your hand to me
And with those fiery eyes
and no words at all
(not a single word)
I know I'm to follow you further in
To the place of shadows
Where hearts pound
Like the erratic beat of a wild drum
Like a wild drum is my heart within me
Like a wild drum is your chest against me.
And so the dance goes...
Another glance, another locked gaze
And I know we're to go further still
Yes, further still...

i am what i am

2010-01-08T09:05:00.002+13:00

i'm just a clean cut girl
with old fashioned values
i've got simple dreams in my heart
and a simple life at my doorstep.
i am what i am
and i'm not sorry about it
anymore.

2010-01-04T22:12:00.000+13:00

Somewhere
along the way
the pursuit died.
So sneaky how it
just snuck away
like a slowly
fading
battery
losing its charge.

walking

2009-08-05T21:24:00.002+12:00

Walking isn't just a life skill
It's a form of art
Very beautiful art
And who knew that I've been running all my life
Running from walking
at this pace of life
a pace set by the Creator and His creation
Not by frantic insecurity that begs to grab and trap and go ahead of
time

still be this way

2008-09-07T22:15:00.003+12:00

who knew it would take this long
who knew that we would both still be this way
who knew that life takes longer when you live it out
instead of just dream about it

pocket

2008-09-07T22:07:00.003+12:00

this poem, i wrote and pressed "publish" before i even read it over. so who knows if it even makes sense. i just really felt like writing something spontaneously out of the expression of this present moment. don't even know what it really means. so, there, you have it... A.

i've found a pocket that belongs to me
sewn with a loose string
barely visible is that string
but you can feel it in the spaces where silence falls
and asks for an answer to belong to me in deeper measure

'come to me'
pocket,
won't you come to me?
why the distance, why the mute melody
that only parts of me can recognize
amidst the clutter of my everyday life?

if you were here right now with me
i would put my hand in yours
and dig deep
and stay there
hand in pocket
my hand in yours

humans and God

2007-12-11T18:19:00.000+13:00

a rough unedited response to our wayward, crooked relational decisions with the Higher Hand that holds us

so many people
breaking up with God
because He is a lover
very few ever understand
yet very few
(if any)
can live without Him
a lover who allows the question
to far outlive the earthen vessel
and the answer remains too veiled for discovery
to the easily-distracted so
drawn to neon lights and siren sounds
that shout out their shallow remedy
to an ancient, unbound riddle
between a lover and His beloved
a riddle, that can't seem to be silenced
by those clean-cut affairs of ease
the ones eloquently spoken of

a rusty lil poem for a young man

2007-03-08T01:40:00.002+13:00

for someone in faraway places...

(i found this while cleaning out my computer... written last year back on May 5th 2006. a lot can change over time... and although this poem is about a boy from a 'former season' of my life, i am left with memories of a time that grew me, and wisdom that i was able to garner from it all, and through it all, i have a richer and softer and much wiser heart... just a reminder to me of how the Lord is a redemptive God, never-ending in His battle to redeem our hearts from the fall...)

young man
panting for light
longing for a glimpse of sunshine
from years gone by
from a time long before disaster struck.

let's bring him back
to the land of holy playfulness
where the spirit danced upon the innocence
of childhood, of simplicity, of believing, just because.

young man
starving for the attention of a Higher kind,
seeking just to know, just to know,
that the Root loves the branch
and that this fruit will feed his soul, will feed his soul
forever.

young man
looking forward yet facing backward
stuck with repeating melodies -
haunting notes that lend itself to
music he should never have heard
but he's got that hopeful feeling
sensing Something's here, Someone's here
reaching down to him, into him,
to place the dream of light and fruit and a song
and nourishing the need.
yes, nourishing the need
forever.

Procrastination, i speak to you by name

2007-03-06T19:37:00.000+13:00

Procrastination likes to call my name
And I am answering him NOW
no more waiting for my reply
my choice leaves no room but to ignore his creepy undertones
that beckon me into a bed of lethargy
that never sees the horizon rise to meet me
that never sees me rising towards the horizon

i have spoken to the day
let me take hold of all that is on my plate
and let me wipe that plate clean
lick every little droplet of moisture
with my thirsty life
and bring it on, life! bring it on!
for i just do it now
cos my mind is focused on the goal ahead
and nothing will sway me from the distant horizon
that keeps getting closer with each passing day
with each passing hour
with each passing moment
i cease the day!

why do i

2007-02-17T23:30:00.001+13:00

why do i do
the work for others
why do i give out
more than i get back
do i not value or believe
another's valiant pursuit
of me
yes, of me?

oh silly kid songs

2007-02-03T22:31:00.001+13:00

oh silly kid songs that lie to us
telling us that sticks and stones can break our bones
but words can never hurt us
whoever loaded those guns
must have been a mannequin
incapable of experience...
our words have power
our Creator said it was so
through a word, the world came to be
through a word, a heart can come alive
through a word, a spirit can die
through a word, you can direct a nation
through a word, you can destroy a destiny
through a word
through a w o r d . . .

drop your daggers...

2007-02-03T22:23:00.000+13:00

we call ourselves lovers of christ
and yet hate our fellow man
we take our s(words)
and turn 'em to daggers
stabbing and jabbing
and killing one another
long before death arrives
what was meant for good
what was meant to bring life
now destroys and tears apart
til our bleeding hearts
are left lying by the wayside
unaware of the cheers and jeers from the dark side
that laugh in victory
as they see our own bloody massacre -
a civil war of the spirit
with kindred spirits who lost their way
in a web of pain and deceit
aiming at our allies
because our s(words) became daggers
of attack. . .

Free heart

2007-02-03T12:45:00.000+13:00

My heart has been released
From the grips of death that ensnared me.
Hope has room to soar again,
for He has set my heart free
My heart is free indeed.
I can love
and be loved
for He has redeemed my ruins and cleansed my soul
Light has come to my darkness
declaring me free
Free, indeed.

Redeeming Love...

2007-02-01T12:41:00.000+13:00

You have redeemed my ruins
And declared me clean
You have restored my heart
Now I can love, and be loved
Even better than before
Even better than before

Your promises are full of hope
Your goodness spans the oceans
So, I cannot hold it in
No, I cannot hold it in
Let me lavish my love on You
For I am secure in Your embrace
Let me tell the world that I am whole
Yes, I am free
Because Your love has swept me away
to a world of lush affection
and what a joy it is to receive you into my heart
from this day forward
into forever...

To my Love, my Holy Valentine

2007-02-01T12:29:00.000+13:00

Giver of freedom
of life and of breath
Lover of hearts
and Lover of mine
You have the whole of me
and forever my hand is Yours
You have led me
through the Valley of Achor
my Door of Pain.
The pain that attempted to kill
has now bowed low
to the plan of Redemption
for my Lover has spoken His
words of affection
over my heart and has breathed life into these dry bones.

I can no longer wilt
as my heart has been released
to love again,
to soar in the light of
everlasting freedom
and the world shall hear the announcement
of my Lover's choice.

I have been chosen,
called by name
I have been washed clean
and elegance has wrapped its loving arms
round about me

Encircled with the approval of the One who holds my name
How could I stay in the shadows any longer?

I am surrounded in Light
the Son's rays warm my heart
and I am free!
I am free!

Freedom Maker

2007-02-01T12:23:00.000+13:00

Freedom Maker
Giver of life
How can I turn my back on Your light?
For you are my Redemption
My soft place to fall.

You hold the keys.
Around You chains are broken
And darkness flees
Fear is banished
And my ruins are redeemed
Yes, my ruins are redeemed
With You.

Home

2006-12-24T17:25:00.000+13:00

God, in all your fullness
Are you at home with me?
Do you find rest in me
or just find many echoes
and noise of outside adoration
clamouring for your attention.
Am i turned toward you or
are my hands touching you
but facing elsewhere
with averted gaze?
Tell me, Lord, do you
find rest with me?

condemnation

2006-12-22T14:25:00.000+13:00

condemnation,
i speak to you
i call you by name
and i declare you powerless
and i share your lies with the light
so the darkness that threatens to bowl me over
will find itself exposed and unclothed
and stripped of its influence
muting your voice
and finding in your silence
a much deeper melody.

sorry never seems to be enough

2006-12-22T14:22:00.000+13:00

apologizing for compassion
that still resides in my heart
saying sorry for caring
and thinking that somehow
we could talk things through to closure
in a way that's good for both of us
but i realize that sometimes in life
you cannot get a mutual resolution
and you have to just give up
and let go
and burn your bridges
and wish them well
yes, i wish them well
all these things we do
with good intentions
that still hurt eachother
that still cut deep
even when you cared
even when you cared.

the prison looks appealing

2006-12-05T18:32:00.002+13:00

i don't know why
the prison looks appealing
and why thick bars
in front of my face
make my mind water
oh the cages of our past
and the cages of wrong paths
can seem so delicious
to me
in moments like these.

the end

2006-11-29T08:48:00.000+13:00

i wrote this poem back on june 1st/06... connected to the same situation but the "first round"... really, all that happened over here in NZ was just the "second and final round" of something that i already knew would happen... (again)...
------

i guess this is where the rubber hits the road
where the paths divide
and we choose the one we're destined for
and i chose the one that did not include you
and i have to stick to it
because when i walked your path
i could not reconcile
myself to the pit
or assign my heart to division
because the beating of my heart was all but
gathered for battle
and i could not continue
if i wanted to survive
so i chose the way of life
though i've died in the process
so that one day He may raise me up
to breathe again
yes,
to breathe again.

"crazy how"

2006-11-28T23:52:00.000+13:00

crazy how you can
miss something
that made you wilt
crazy how
the very poison you spit out
is the drink of choice
at times of near vicinity
crazy how my heart
can crave
the delicacies of darkness
longing to clothe myself
again in the bleeding garments
long since stripped away
crazy how the daggers that burned so deeply
almost seem appealing...

...but not quite...
so, not so crazy,
after all

higher than i

2006-10-16T20:51:00.001+13:00

lord lead me to the rock that is higher than I
YES
higher than i

a rant of hope

2006-10-16T20:45:00.000+13:00

fear you are a bugger
and you are a thief
and i hate you

you have robbed me far too long
and i will not have it any longer

what if i were to unveil myself in all my splendid real-ness, world?
would you still be there?
i am daring myself
yes i think i am

Ode to His Voice

2006-09-11T17:17:00.000+12:00

when the silence holds me captive
and the noise of life corners me in
all it takes is to hear your voice
and i am blessed,
yes i am blessed.

when the clouds and fog set in
and i can't seem to find my way
all it takes is to hear your voice
and i am found,
yes i am found.

because
it is your voice
that warms my heart
it is your voice
that calms my soul
it is your voice
that brings me joy
yes, it is your voice
your only voice
that i love.

{ }

2006-07-01T15:20:00.000+12:00

s i l e n c e
is deafening
it screams out to me
and begs to be spoken to
but it cannot find its
l u n g s
and it cannot control
who breathes into them
the
words of l i f e
that are needed
so desperately
at this time

hello?

2006-06-28T17:56:00.000+12:00

will we say goodbye
before hello has ever happened
this is what i wonder
and this is what i fear
yet this is what comforts me
that good ol' familiar feelin'
it's here right now
and i'm not sure what it will take
to take it away
except just making sure
we intersect at hello
and see where that goes...

jitterbugs

2006-06-28T17:53:00.000+12:00

jitterbugs
lets call em what they are
i speak about jitterbugs
that slightly nervous energy
of the pending change
the excitement yet intimidation of a new horizon
coming fast into view
and wondering what it will behold for me
when i step over into actually stepping onto
the ground over there
and lock eyes with the future
and see if it holds something
that may hold me

jitterbugs
for that very reason

i'm steppin

2006-06-16T17:00:00.000+12:00

i'm steppin
and i'm more excited
than i have been
in a long time
i'm goin' on an adventure
(it seems)
and i'm ready for what may be
and i can't quite see the path i'm on
but i trust that i'm walking with the Pathfinder
and He'll lead me as a i step boldly forward
into this unknown territory
and i feel that this is what is good and right
because i'm not choosing how i always choose
this is a new way of living
and i think i like it

unfinished business (unfinished poem)

2006-06-13T09:30:00.000+12:00

i will not be paralyzed by this
because much good can come of this
and i can capitalize on the things that sparked divine inspiration
deep in my soul

...

2006-06-13T07:29:00.000+12:00

drawn to the beauty of
her vulnerability
the tears in her eyes
are the very elements
that attract him

through the sunshine and the shade...

2006-06-13T07:16:00.001+12:00

are you willing to come with me
through the sunshine and the shade?
when the light is there but you just can't see it
and the darkness seems to overwhelm anything bright
are you willing to come with me
through the sunshine and the shade?

because i do not exist just for a smile
for i have ventured through dark forests
and i have lurked in the shadows
where ghosts fear to tread

there is more beyond these eyes of mine
and my heart is not all glee and merriment

so i will say again
are you willing to come with me
through the sunshine and the shade?

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

2006-06-13T07:05:00.000+12:00

IF YOU ONLY KNEW HOW LOVELY YOU WERE
EVEN WHEN YOU FEEL THAT YOU SHOULD HIDE YOURSELF
FROM THE EYES OF EVERYONE
IF YOU ONLY KNEW HOW LOVELY YOU WERE
THAT COULD CHANGE EVERYTHING...

Can we?

2006-06-11T07:07:00.000+12:00

Can we love beyond the fall?
can we stay long after the spell's been broken?
can we forgive the continual sting?

Who will love her
even with her fears
and her tendencies to over-think everything?

Can you love me, though i
sometimes get timid
and think through things
a million times over
with a million words in each gulp?

Can you love my flaws?

Can we?

risk

2006-06-05T10:06:00.002+12:00

I guess it is the risk
I'm willing to take
to trust the Lord
and step out
into the unknown
and risk
losing everything
I hold dear.

unexpected people

2006-06-05T10:05:00.001+12:00

God can use the most
unexpected people
or the ones we judged
even,
to surprise us like
the promised Isaac
and the laughter Sarah had
when she heard
God's words
to her.

whole heart

2006-06-05T10:04:00.001+12:00

You cannot get anything good
out of half-hearted
fear-driven
actions

You must go forward
with your whole heart
full of courage
boldly stepping into
the unknown and
fully prepared for
both disaster or
something wonderful.

if perchance, possibly maybe...

2006-05-26T04:23:00.001+12:00

about the unfolding saga between two people...

i put my words (and a piece of me)
out there on the table of publicity
and you placed your introduction
into my hand
and gave me a door to walk through.

i willingly walked through
though there were no guidelines
or protocol for how to step
nothing to prepare me for the other side.

and so we danced with words
and put forth the flattery
and the fun
and yes we laughed
and yes we enjoyed it
but i wanted more than surface
i wanted what we fear to show
what we hide in the closet
i wanted that more than the bravado
of masks.

so i put my mask to the shredding table
and you threw yours to the ground as well
and we trampled on them with the murderous appeal of honesty
and we stepped in tune to beauty
that you cannot find at first glance
the kind that comes from pain.
the joy that finds its strength in tears.

this is where we found ourselves.
and this is where we find ourselves
right now.
our hearts prepared for possibility...
our hearts completely unprepared
for what could actually happen
and it is at this crossroad of waiting
that we stand right now
looking, peeking, hoping, and desiring
and wondering "if perchance"
then "possibly maybe"
this could be something
this really could be something.

this little road

2006-05-22T17:01:00.000+12:00

where does this little road go
i dare say i don't know
but i am stepping on it
and i will turn the bend
for there are many things untold
and yet unseen for me to discover

this is for the braver souls
and those not faint of heart.
it's for me
it's for me
it's for me
this little road i walk on.

passing moments

2006-05-09T06:10:00.000+12:00

passing moments
upon moments
and it gets easier each time
another layer of time rests itself
upon the layer before
and it is there in those moments
that the breathing comes softer
and the heart beat calms
to a more normal pace
a. more. normal. pace.
and it is there in those moments
that i find i really can move on
and i really can go about my day
without you
and that relieves me. . . .

Wasted Time?

2006-05-08T16:23:00.002+12:00

written back on Jan 26/06 Yanji, China

Is there such a thing as wasted time
in the space between divine moments
or is it all together important
in the greater scheme of things.
Am I just swimming in a pool of questions
trying to solve the mystery
fast enough and clever enough
to find the only answer.
Or is this some illusion
attempts at conclusions
in my restless seclusions
of constant questioning
of what could be
and what is
right where I am
on the path of life.

All the time in the world

2006-05-08T16:23:00.001+12:00

written back on Jan 26/06 Yanji, China

All the time in the world to think
All the time in the world to know
All the time in the world to discover
All that there is to come.

Choosing the Best

2006-05-08T16:23:00.000+12:00

written back on Jan 26/06 Yanji, China

I could probably do anything
And there are probably many things I might desire
But it's His choice that matters most and
That is the most difficult to know.
I could climb any mountain I could see
But it's His Holy Mountain that matters most
But that is the peak I can't seem to reach
And the one I don't know how to find.

Searching to find

2006-05-08T16:22:00.000+12:00

written back on Jan 21/06 Yanji, China

Searching to find
the plan so divine
its unquestioning fervency
found in my soul
can't help but unfold
before my very eyes
as I step with certainty
this untold adventure
my future secured.

Written @ nite with no lite

2006-05-08T16:21:00.000+12:00

written back on Jan 11/06, China

3 years later
further ahead
yet still the same questions
wondering what's next
and why I'm here
~ really here.
Seems like the same
track, encircled a
thousand times over
but maybe I'm
asking all the wrong questions

that could change

everything....

a rusty lil poem for a young man

2006-05-06T15:23:00.000+12:00

for a friend in faraway places...

young man
panting for light
longing for a glimpse of sunshine
from years gone by
from a time long before disaster struck.

let's bring him back
to the land of holy playfulness
where the spirit danced upon the innocence
of childhood, of simplicity, of believing, just because.

young man
starving for the attention of a Higher kind,
seeking just to know, just to know,
that the Root loves the branch
and that this fruit will feed his soul, will feed his soul
forever.

young man
looking forward yet facing backward
stuck with repeating melodies -
haunting notes that lend itself to
music he should never have heard
but he's got that hopeful feeling
sensing Something's here, Someone's here
reaching down to him, into him,
to place the dream of light and fruit and a song
and nourishing the need.
yes, nourishing the need
forever.